Anxious <3 Avoidant: Know your Attachment Style
- January 25, 2020
This is an excerpt from the Founder Communication talk I’ve given to 12 YC batches to strengthen founding relationship from day one.
Your challenge is to learn to fight well.
Feeling tension rise in relationship with your cofounder is normal, healthy, and expected. At any given moment, founders may be in conflict about equity allocation, roles and responsibilities, each others’ performance (or lack thereof), who to hire when, the “right” product or fundraising strategy – or all of these topics at once. You should expect and assume conflict with your cofounder as you inevitably bump into each others’ unique perspectives and particularities while building your startup.
Your task is not to avoid conflict completely (which again, is normal and should be assumed), but rather to learn how to engage in robust disagreements in a healthy and productive way rather than an unhealthy destructive way. Communicating productively, respectfully, and honestly about difficult topics is a skill that is built through practice and experience. Your challenge as a startup founder is that you to learn to fight well.
My first piece of advice for founders learning to fight well is that you become aware of how you currently fight (what I call here your “attachment style”), and you use that knowledge to shift your behavior to balance out the dynamic in your founding team. Doing so alleviates the emotional intensity inherent to difficult conversations, and allows for productive conflict to take place.
Identify Your Attachment Style
Many of us already know that when we’re stressed, our sleep suffers, we eat like crap, and/or our exercise routine takes a nosedive. But do you know how your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions toward your cofounder change when things are going less than smoothly?
Startups are messy, confusing, chaotic, hopeful, lonely, depressing, inspiring, and challenging, sometimes all within the same 5 minute span. As a founder, you’re operating under stressful circumstances that will pull your behavior away from how you “normally” respond to stressful situations 99% of the time. The more you know about you relate to those closest to you in times of stress, the better you can manage yourself when those inevitable conflicts erupt, and the faster you can get back to building your company.
Luckily, psychological researchers have made this task easy for you in the past few decades, and have found that most people behave in predictable and consistent ways in moments of intense stress (called “attachment styles”)(1).
To simplify even further, most cofounders act out one of only two (2!) attachment styles repeatedly in times of stress: They’re either anxious or avoidant.
Before I describe founders’ anxious and avoidant attachment styles in more detail, know that neither type is right or wrong. These two categories are simply descriptive of most founders’ behavior in relationship in times of stress. What’s more, these two styles exist on opposite ends of a continuum so you (and your cofounder) may be perfectly described by the anxious or the avoidant type I’ve outlined here, or you may exhibit some behaviors belonging to one type and a few of the other. You may be anxious in relationship with your cofounder but avoidant in relationship with your romantic partner, or vice versa (for example). Each style is described as if it’s quite distinct in this blog post, but attachment styles tend to be more dynamic and fluid IRL because they’re heavily informed by the attachment style of our partner and the behaviors they tend to pull out of us in relationship.
The ‘Anxious’ Cofounder
The anxious-style cofounder tends to balloon their energy, emotion, and needs outward in times of stress. Their nervous system is on overdrive. The anxious style is the relational equivalent to the physiological ‘fight’ response, as if their entire being is being mobilized cell-by-cell to wage war from behind a screen. Importantly, anxious cofounders seek others’ help in feeling soothed, although that underlying search for soothing is often cloaked in criticism, micromanagement, and/or frustration hurled outward.
- The anxious cofounder worries – a lot – and at peak times of stress, everyone around them can see it.
- The anxious cofounder tends to check in on projects and others’ work frequently out of fear that it isn’t being done quickly enough or to the proper standard. Their fear is often perceived as controlling or micromanaging.
- The anxious cofounder can sometimes lack a filter and so can overdeliver feedback or deliver it constantly, often in moments their teammates already feel vulnerable. This makes it seem as if they “don’t approve” of the work or style of their other colleagues, or as if “nothing is good enough.”
- They tend to need reassurance that work is progressing, that others care and are properly focused, and that their cofounder is ‘with’ them, is on the same page, and understands them and the company’s goals as they view them.
- The anxious cofounder worries that their cofounder doesn’t worry as much as they do. (!)
- Anxious cofounders tend to exhibit fewer boundaries than their counterparts, which means that when they need a question answered (for example), they may send an email, then send a Slack, then text, then call, in an effort to garner a response (and therefore to feel soothed).
- If they don’t receive enough energy back to meet or soothe their anxiety, anxious cofounders tend to feel devalued and at times, ‘alone in this’.
- Anxious cofounders often feel strongly that their cofounder should change their behavior, rather than focusing on how they might need to change their own. “All I need is for them to [fill in the blank with literally anything].”
- Anxious cofounders’ fears are often expressed as criticism, frustration, an overbearing attitude, and/or anger.
- Because of their need for others to soothe them, anxious cofounders tend to be the ones who initiate conflict, raising issue or tensions that their systems cannot resolve on their own.
The ’Avoidant’ Cofounder
The avoidant-style cofounder is on the opposite end of the spectrum and exhibits inverse behaviors and little emotion. Whereas anxious cofounders tend to balloon their energy outward in times of stress, avoidant cofounders retreat inward, their nervous systems seemingly deactivated. The avoidant style is the relational equivalent to the physiological ‘flight/freeze’ response. In moments of stress or conflict, avoidant cofounders burrow inside themselves, looking to themselves to feel soothed. This underlying need for self-soothing is often perceived by their cofounder as disengagement, coldness, or a lack of caring.
- Avoidant cofounders are seen as more “independent.” They “manage things on their own.” They tend to hunker down and want to concentrate on solving problems rather than leaping to action or brainstorming with others. They prefer getting to work rather than talking through the details or carefully strategizing.
- Avoidant cofounders tend to shy away from conflict. (In fact, they may even feel overwhelmed by the mere idea that conflict may take place.)
- Avoidant folks tend to withdraw or disengage rather than say “no.” (Saying “no” in itself requires one to stand firm rather than retreat inward, so this is a skill avoidant folks in particular need to learn.).
- They are perceived as aloof, distant, and even uncaring or cold.
- Avoidant cofounders often have a difficult time locating and expressing their emotions, ‘where they’re at,’ or ‘where they’re coming from.’ In moments of intense stress, they may actually feel detached from their body or the part of themselves that houses their physical or emotional experience. (When asked directly how they’re feeling, avoidant cofounders may often respond with a very honest and real “I don’t know.”)
- The avoidant cofounder is often perceived as self-sufficient, not needing anyone or anything else in times of stress or worry.(2)
Anxious and avoidant founders have an almost magnetic attraction to one another in relationship. The pressure-cooker like atmosphere of a YC batch also tends to create this dynamic even in founding teams where it may not have previously existed. In founding teams of three, it’s typical for two founders to be stuck in the anxious+avoidant dynamic while the third mediates.
If not addressed, the anxious+attachment dynamic is a perfect storm that brews unending conflict because it’s a never-ending cycle of one founder leaning in and needing something from their partner (connection, soothing, reassurance), and the other founder continuously leaning further and further away rather than provide it (because that lean-in overwhelms them and pushes them further away as they attempt to self-soothe).
More and more bad feelings are created with this dynamic as each cofounder’s needs continue to go unmet. Tension rises. As bad feelings fester, attention, time, and energy are increasingly pulled away from the startup and onto the relationship, and the more likely it is for the founding team (and therefore the company) to die.
Being stuck in the anxious+avoidant dynamic is a death spiral for early-stage founding teams because so much of the startup’s potential relies on the founding team members themselves.
Balance Your Attachment Style
To achieve balance and harmony in the founding team dynamic, each founder must take actions that counteract the extremes of their natural style. Mediating your attachment style also allows your cofounder to relax out of the extreme of their own style as well – if you change one part of a system, the entire system is affected (in a good way!). The ultimate goal is for both founders to meet in the middle of the anxious + avoidant continuum (a style called “secure” in the literature), finding their own balance in order to have healthy, productive conversations about the issue at-hand instead of destructive, energy-intensive, and never-ending fights.
To achieve balance, anxious cofounders should practice independence. This can look like:
- Learning to soothe yourself by tolerating and mediating your feelings on your own – not relying on others to do so for you (this is **huge**)
- Thinking about how to solve a problem on your own
- Catching yourself when your mind is thinking about all the different ways you need your cofounder to behave, perform, think or feel. Think instead about what you need in these moments, and seek to provide that to yourself
- Expressing hurt, fear, and vulnerability rather than anger or criticism directed at your cofounder
- Practicing active listening when you’re speaking with your cofounder or team, rather than coming in exclusively hot and strong
- Resourcing yourself by speaking with other stakeholders (close friend, partner, therapist, etc. NOT employees and likely NOT investors)
- Practicing patience or mindfulness when waiting for a response from your cofounder
- Giving your cofounder time and space to respond
- Letting your cofounder take a step toward you or initiate conflict rather than constantly and habitually reaching out to them
And for their part in finding balance, avoidant cofounders should practice engaging. This can look like:
- Challenging yourself to locate and disclose your feelings instead of withdrawing (this is **huge**)
- Practicing staying present in moments of intensity and conflict (a great starting point is by practicing saying things like, “I’m noticing that I’m shutting down right now. Let me take a few minutes to breathe and see if I can reconnect to myself. If not, we might need to pick this thread back up [tomorrow].”)
- Beginning a journaling, therapy, or meditation practice focused on identifying your emotions and staying present in your body
- Giving your cofounder positive affirmations to show that you care (about them and about the startup/project/task)
- Inviting your cofounder to collaborate with you on a problem
- Challenging yourself to say “no” instead of withdrawing
- Initiating a level 3 conversation (e.g. a difficult conversation or hard topic, more on this term below) before your cofounder has to
The goal is to find balance.
When the anxious founder chooses independence and takes a step back from needing their cofounder to soothe them, it allows the avoidant founder to more easily choose engagement. (Counterintuitively, the anxious cofounders’ needs are actually more likely to be met if they choose independence as I indicate here. Giving your avoidant cofounder space allows them to step forward and ‘show up’ for you.) Moving out of opposition to one another on the anxious/avoidant continuum alleviates much of the highly intense emotion that typically bleeds founders’ energy out. Finding balance opens up space in the dynamic for healthy and productive conversation to take place about the actual business of building a business.
The more you know about your own attachment style – and that of your cofounder – the more easily you’ll be able to pinpoint your unproductive, default behaviors in the moment and choose another way.
Finding balance is a dance that takes time to learn. A great next step is for you to share this post with your cofounder and talk about your attachment styles. What situations in the past may have exacerbated each others’ style? What do you appreciate about the others’ style, and what single thing drives you insane? Can you use this blog post to strategize a different way of handling conflict when it comes up in the future. knowing that it will? What would a “perfect” fight look like for each of you? Can you gently hold each other accountable for trying a single new, attachment-driven behavior the next time you fight?