Crisis Guide
This post is designed to help you if your cofounder is experiencing a mental health crisis.
💡 Non-Emergency Support:
California Warm Line: 855-845-7415 ◦ The warm line is a non-emergency resource for anyone in California seeking mental and emotional support.
The warm line is a great first step if your cofounder is experiencing signs of a mental health crisis. These folks can connect you to other resources and supportive services in your area that best fit your needs.
🚨 EMERGENCY SUPPORT:
IF YOU OR YOUR COFOUNDER IS THREATENING TO HARM THEMSELVES OR OTHERS, CALL 988 INSTEAD OF 911 ◦ https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
San Francisco Mobile Crisis Team: 415-970-4000 ◦ The Mobile Crisis Team deploys emergency evaluation and treatment to adults (ages 18+) in San Francisco who are experiencing mental health crises. Also offers guidance to caregivers around the person in crisis.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 ◦ A national network of local crisis centers that provide free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
San Francisco Suicide Prevention Hotline: 415-781-0500 or text 415-200-2920 ◦ https://www.sfsuicide.org
It can be really scary to suspect that your cofounder is experiencing a mental health crisis. Here are some of the behaviors founders have commonly witnessed in their cofounder that signaled a crisis was brewing:
Impulsive behavior that's out of character - e.g. your cofounder is booking last-minute flights, texting/saying inappropriate things to exes, customers, investors, employees, or you
Increase in high-risk behavior - e.g. they've started spending more money, gambling more, or they start misreading the probability that a customer will sign a contract
Decreased performance - they're not hitting their deadlines or doing their work. You start to notice that you can't trust that they'll hit the goals they said they would
Sudden increase in alcohol or drug use
Fragmented thoughts or jumbled speech - you can't follow their train of thought anymore, or they string many, unrelated thoughts together when they’re talking
Periods of unresponsiveness - they go offline or dark for periods of time (and never used to)
Lack of ability to feed, clothe, or wash themselves to the standard they usually hold
Paranoia - they're suddenly worried about things that never previously worried them, and they seem to believe these new bad things with confidence
Change in their hours of operation - you notice they've started working (or not working) at odd times
Founders start to worry when these behaviors are a change from how their cofounder has usually behaved. Founders worry even more when their cofounder doesn't believe these new behaviors are a problem. The change in behavior and lack of self-awareness can be extremely disturbing and worrisome. Suddenly, the person who you used to know well seems to be inhabiting a completely separate reality.
However, when founders bring the full force of their worry into conversation with their cofounder, it often makes their cofounder defensive and pushes them further away from getting the support they need.
Here's how I recommend you try to approach a conversation with your cofounder instead:
Try to engage your cofounder in a discussion about the changes you've observed in their behavior, rather than how much you're worried about them. The goal here is to get on the same page as your cofounder and overlap your realities, so you can (try to) discuss whether they need support and then ultimately, get them connected to it. Present your observations about their behavior as data points from your reality.
For example:
"I've noticed that in the last few [days/weeks/months] you're traveling a lot more than you used to. Have you noticed that too?"
"I've noticed that you weren't able to hit [this goal, this deadline, or this deliverable]. Have you noticed that too?"
"I've noticed that in the last few [days/weeks/months] you've started working different hours than you used to. Have you noticed that too?"
"I've noticed that in the last few [days/weeks/months] you've started thinking a lot more about [focus of paranoia]. Have you noticed that too?"
"I noticed in our conversation about [topic], you started talking about [one thing], then switched very quickly to [unrelated thing], then switched quickly to [next unrelated thing]. Did you notice that too?"
“I noticed that you’ve been wearing the same clothes for the last few days. Do you notice that too?”
“I noticed that you’ve been up working and tweeting at 3a the last few nights. Have you noticed that too?”
If your cofounder can acknowledge the change in their behavior, then the next step would be to:
Tell them you’re concerned about these changes. Frame it as concern about the behaviors, instead of concern about them to defuse their defensiveness (i.e. “I’m concerned about these tweets” instead of “You’re worrying me.”)
Then, ask them if they’re worried too (if you think they’ll say yes). “Do you feel concerned about this?” This will help build more awareness around the problem and recruit their motivation to change. However, if you sense they will not see their behaviors as a problem, then jump to:
Ask them if they’d be interested in talking to someone about what you’re now noticing together. “Are you interested in talking to someone about these changes?” This is when you can offer one of the resources I’ve listed above. You can even pull out your phone and ask if they’d like to call them right now while you’re there with them.
If your cofounder cannot acknowledge these changes or engage in coherent conversation with you, then I recommend calling one of the hotlines listed above for professional guidance on next steps.
One of your main tasks in this conversation is to regulate your own nervous system. Take lots of deep breaths to deactivate your nervous system and remain calm in this conversation. Try to keep your voice steady and at a normal volume. Do your best to be gentle, loving, and kind. It is not your responsibility to “make your cofounder better” or get them to uptake the resources you offer - that is ultimately up to them. All you can do is offer resources along with your genuine care and concern (and hope they take you up on it!)
During the acute phase of your cofounder’s mental health crisis, here are some things you may want to consider:
Locking them out of email or Slack if you’re concerned they might send your team, investors, or customers a concerning email.
Founders hesitate to do this because they don’t want to further destabilize their cofounder-in-crisis. That’s possible, but unlikely - usually, the cofounder-in-crisis’ mind will quickly fixate on another stimulus. Use your best judgment - there’s not a right or wrong decision - while keeping the needs of the company in mind.
Divest them of any time-sensitive work and delegate it to someone else so your growth/product doesn’t take a hit.
Getting in touch with the family or close friends of your cofounder to coordinate communication and consolidate care.
Emailing your customers or investors to let them know what’s happening: I do not recommend this unless you need to do damage control on any emails your cofounder has already sent. Founders often think about doing this in the frenzy of their initial worry, but it’s often a misread on the actual impact of their cofounder’s behaviors.
Once your cofounder is stabilized (usually in coming days or weeks), you’ll be able to have a conversation and come up with a plan for how to reintegrate your cofounder back into the company. Plan to deploy your level 3 conversation skills and share any honest concerns, fears, or worries you might have, with the intention of creating a strategy that works for all of you. Make sure to define at least one future meeting to check back in and readjust your plan as needed.
